Jewish Geography
Tamar Caspi
The Jewish community is small. It's even smaller when you're dating. And it shrinks to miniscule proportions when you only take into account those who are seriously looking for their beshert.
Chances are you'll see the same people on JDate, at YAD events and working out at the JCC. If you happen to run into someone you've never seen before, odds are they're the friend or relative of someone you've already dated or your friend or relative has already dated them.
One guy on JDate's father grew up with my mother. And another JDater's grandparents were close with my grandparents many years ago. I know it sounds cute, but it can get obnoxious.
Recently, I was set up with a guy I supposedly knew when I was little. My mom even pointed him out in pictures from my second birthday party. A charming story, but it didn't equal fate.
I met one guy at a Jewish event who had recently moved to town after graduating law school. After adding him on Facebook, I found that he knew many of my elementary school classmates and did a quick check, receiving the blessing from all of our mutual friends. Although he isn't my beshert, I was able to use the Six Degrees of Jewish Separation to my advantage.
A few years ago, I met a guy at the AIPAC Policy Conference. We quickly discovered his best friend and my sister dated in college, but it wasn't until a few months later playing Jewish Geography that we found out I had previously dated his sister's best friend's brother. It may seem distant enough a relation, but it was enough to skew his view of me.
Which brings me to a topic many women have written me about: is it okay to date a former lover's friend? I tell women it's up to the guy to decide what he's comfortable with. If they're concerned over what the ex is telling the friend, I say it's not something you can worry about. You have to just hope that the new guy likes you enough not to be swayed by anything else.
Another instance of the small world we live in came to me while I was on a blind date. I suddenly realized that the guy would be perfect for my friend Julie. Even though I thought he was a quality guy, passing him off to my friend is still a form of rejection. I tried as hard as I could to soften the blow, but he has yet to call her.
Jewish geography can be good. You know what kind of company he keeps, who his friends are and if he's an all around good guy. Then again, sometimes it's better not to know who he's dated, how much he parties or about that time he got arrested in Tijuana. Because that may not reflect who he is now or who he is around you. And really, that's all that matters.
And when I meet a guy who previously dated a friend of mine, I want to make sure it's okay with her but I don't want to know the details. Just because he acted one way with her doesn't mean he's going to be the same way with me. Hopefully he learned from that relationship and her loss is my gain. All's fair in love and war, right?
Tamar Caspi has only been a
journalist for the past five years
and dating nearly half her life. If
you have any dating dilemmas
you can e-mail her at: thesearchforbeshert@
gmail.com.
No comments have been posted. Be the first! 
)
